Thoughts on another year...

When I decided to schedule a book challenge update post in advance since I'd be out in the woods, I wondered what day to schedule it on.  And then it dawned on me.  *Today* is my birthday.  I've never done a birthday post.  For the past 15+ years I've almost always been in the field on my birthday...sometimes in cell phone range to hear birthday wishes from friends and family and sometimes not.  Thus, often, it just passes by without much thought.  This is in stark contrast to folks I know who celebrate the day (week.  month.) with gusto.  I've always been torn when I think of people who do that.  Part lacking in comprehension that someone is so comfortable with themselves as to want a day just about them.  But if I'm being honest, it's part jealousy as well. 

I'm not at the 'revolve' stage yet and likely never will be, but given the journey I'm on, I thought maybe a birthday post to celebrate another year in my life was in order.  

To somewhat steal a quote and idea from Kate...here's what 42 looks like.  And of course...Jingles is right there with me...this was shortly after her 22nd birthday (and she got some rain in her ear so didn't want to hold it up straight). 

As is typical in most photos of me...I'm not smiling even though I was right where I wanted to be -- back in the Blues of OR with 'my girls'.  I'm trying to hide certain parts behind Jingles so no one can tell just how much extra weight I put on over winter...because despite all the progress I'm making in other areas, I simply cannot seem to get a handle on eating my emotions.  I'm embarrassed by the weight but maybe even more embarrassed that I think I have to hide it.  I look exhausted...which I was.

And yet...this is me through and through.  Wearing the ratty hat that has been through at least 6 or 7 field seasons even though my friend has given me another to replace it.  The T-shirt from when I worked Raptor Rehab in college...a shirt that is darn near as old as Jingles and so threadbare it's a wonder that it hasn't fallen apart yet (as many others have from that era).  But really -- that's the best field shirt and I will wear it until it does literally fall apart.  The blue eyes that almost always come with an intensely serious stare.  But when I do smile/laugh, the smile shines through the eyes as well.  The dirty blonde hair that is just starting to show signs of grey.  The muscles visible in the arms from years and years of outdoor work...that even the extra weight can't cover.  The face that never has make-up and that was blessed with good skin.  The high cheekbones that some say are my most striking feature.  The pale skin that hasn't quite picked up a tan (or more likely, a burn) from being out in the sun all summer.

This is me.

At 42, in my professional life, I'm a world renown ungulate nutritional ecologist.  That was hard to write because it feels like bragging.  But it's true.  I hate going to professional scientific conferences because everybody knows who I am and the work I've done -- I don't get to be invisible in the corner.  And I'm 'only' in my early 40's.  I've accomplished more than most folks do their entire careers.  The simple truth though is most days I wish I could go back to that naive graduate student working under the radar...just enjoying the process of collecting and analyzing the data.  Blissfully ignorant of the political nature of this field.  Completely unaware of the lengths 'colleagues' will go to in order to strike out in what can only be professional jealousy.  As with everything, recognition comes with risk and then it doesn't feel like an accomplishment any more...it feels much more like a burden.  A change may be on the horizon this decade...

At 42, in my personal life...well, let's just say I continue to be a work in progress.  But at least I'm finally working at progress rather than sticking my head in the sand and letting it all pass by like I did the majority of my 30s.  For me, *that's* the major accomplishment and the one that I'm most proud of.  I've come a long way in just a couple years and I'm excited to see what this year brings.

So yes.  Happy Birthday to me.
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Now Playing:  Long Way by Antje Duvekot 


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