not exactly a lot of time to write in this space but still fumbling around...what to write, what not to write. i've started, stopped, erased several times in the past few weeks and am noticing that 'raw and messy' seems, at least right now, to translate into 'complain'. not that i can't complain here...and not that i don't have valid reasons for complaining. but it needs to be more than that because otherwise, what's the point?
we are still calving. it's late. really late. there are reasons why that i won't go into (originally someone (stupidly) not cutting antlers off captive bulls that led to options involving 'borrowing' which led to permit issues that led to an option that resulted in dead semen...all of which led to the purchase of a reindeer bull 6 weeks after breeding should occur last fall...yes, my life is strange...i bought a reindeer bull using paypal...).
late babies means problems. physiologically, I'm not completely sure why but there are theories out there relating to changes in mother's milk that are driven more by photoperiod than calving date...mothers of late born calves, even under good nutrition, produce lower quality milk. maybe... but we are also getting low birth weight calves which isn't helping.
we have 5 babies on the ground. 2 born healthy (and maybe 3 since we just had one drop last night and he so far seems strong and vigorous...cross your fingers for me). 1 who now is thriving but tried his damndest to die on me twice. 1 who tried to die on me and though I got him turned around, he still isn't what I would call 'thriving'. and 1 born dead..no idea why and nothing i could have done. without going into more details than that, let me just say it's been an exhausting and defeating calving season. the live ones are certainly cute and amazing and worth all the sleepless nights. but even 1 dead one...it rips at your heart.
we know we have one more on the way (ETA: before I got done writing this post, he was out...strong and looks healthy!)...but potentially 3 more (with elk, I can tell a couple months in advance if they are pregnant...caribou are a bit different so 2 are still making me scratch my head...is she or isn't she?...blood tests could tell us but it isn't worth it at this point).
i've struggled with dealing with the exhaustion and the stress and the sadness. one of the things that is critical for my mental sanity is personal space. i need a lot of it. more than most folks. and out here...living with my husband, a graduate student, and 4 technicians...i almost never get it unless i go for a walk away from it all. sometimes there is time for that...other times not. sometimes a walk away is enough, other times not. this is by far the hardest thing about fieldwork for me. without that space, i'm at a loss for how to really use the tools i learned through the process with mel.
and yet the other night...it all fell in place. it was about 10pm (internal clock is all screwed up this far north when the sun doesn't set until 11:30 or so and i won't see true dark again until some time in august). i was fidgety and didn't want to go to bed so i put my ipod in my pocket and took off into the cow field for a walk. after awhile i could tell that i just had too much nervous energy so stopped, and did 15 minutes of pretty strenuous exercises...something i know i need. and then i just stood for a moment and realized i needed 'on the mat'. only i didn't have a mat. so i found a relatively flat place in the clover that had no discernible cow pies and stood in mountain pose for what felt like the longest time. the setting sun was on my face, the cool, very intense wind was blowing my hair in a way that felt amazing...the same hair that earlier I was cussing for how long it was getting...and i had music in my ears that didn't drown out the sound of the wind (a beautiful sound because with wind means no bugs!), but did drown out everything else. i stood this way for a long time, aware only of my body and the sensations happening to it in that moment. And then I moved into sun salutes...slowly, gently. taking my time and feeling muscles that had been wound up tighter than a skein of yarn...muscles that hadn't been stretched for months... slowly and gently working on loosening...on release. i finished back in mountain pose just as the sun set over the trees. it was a perfect moment. it has remained elusive since then but for one brief space in time, everything was okay.
and because I know i can't get away without posting more baby pictures...for your viewing enjoyment (by the way...these are 'reinbou' which means they have a reindeer father and caribou mother...so they are quite dark at birth...much darker than normal caribou calves. some, as they are getting older are lightening up to be more like caribou, but others are still pretty dark):
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| 1.5 hours old...latest addition. yet to be named. anyone want to name him? it's a male and the rules are just that it has to start with an 'R'. we tend to name for plants but anything goes. |
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| same unnamed boy baby...rowan's kid. already up and moving down the pen at <2 hours old! |
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| not a great picture but this moment...diego nursing on mom standing up...took 5 days to get there. what a long waited for relief! he's not out of the woods yet but he's so much better. |
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| Diego -- 2 weeks old. he still looks about 2 days old, but he's alive so I'll take it. he gets stronger every day. |
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| Huck -- aka Hucklebaby. This is the little guy that tried to die on me twice. In this picture, he's about 4 days old...right after we got him turned around the first time and right before he crashed for a second time. |
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| Huck...same day. |
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| Huck -- today (3 weeks) being curious. |
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| Huck -- today (3 weeks). If you can't tell, he's the favorite. |
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| Huck and Henna....she's got some crazy tall antlers. And yes, his eartag is a little wonky...that's my fault. Worst eartag I've done in 15 years...I really didn't want to tag this little guy so I blame that. |
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| Michigan -- 19 hours old. he's a beautiful color and such a pretty little guy. You can see his back leg is at an odd angle...the struggles of being born weak! He's already stronger, 4 hours later, such that his legs aren't doing that any more. |
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| Michigan -- 19 hours old. Mama (Mitella) decided to have him in a pile of dirt so his nose is a little snotty right now. We've since shifted him to some grass so he'll get rid of that in no time. |
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| See -- grass. Michigan -- 26 hours old. |
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| Rusty -- 1 month old. remember him with his spindly legs? now he is known as pain in the butt, ornery, I could go on. He's in the teenage years and gets into everything. see how much he's grown! |
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| Wait, what? how did that one sneak in? |
What beautiful little miracles. Thank you for sharing!
ReplyDeleteI've worked with/raised elk, black-tailed deer, mule-deer, and white-tailed babies and caribou are by far the cutest of them all. Now, don't get me wrong...my heart belongs to elk...but to the adults. Caribou kids...they have it too.
DeleteYou’re at a place I’ll never see, doing work I’ll never do. But I’ve wanted to in the past. Your post puts me there. I’m sitting here now, on my West Virginia hill, trying to imagine a day with very little night. I’ve never really liked losing half my days to having to go to bed but now it seems strange to think of a day that isn’t followed with dark at the expected time. I think that wrapping up of each day might be as important to me as the change of seasons is. Maybe as important as my alone time is to me and for the same reason—to put my mind back in place to get ready for another set of events—sort of like cleaning up the kitchen to get ready for the next meal. If I can’t clear my mind, I stop being able to think straight and I get jittery. Your description of your yoga experience during a breezy sunset was just beautiful. I felt the easing of your muscles as I read it and the wind in your hair. And, Reinbou??? Really??? They’re amazing. Your post reminds me of that writing advice—don’t just say how you feel—put the reader in the place so they feel it from your writing. You put me there.
ReplyDeleteThanks for these words Wanda. You know...that darkness thing or lack thereof...it's hard on me. Maybe for some similar reasons you stated, I'm not sure. But I love darkness. I love looking up and losing myself in the stars. And I believe that both of those things help center me. I also don't sleep well in the light and don't have the luxury of folks who live up here who put blinds on the windows...can't really do that when you call your truck your home! So I wake up constantly which leads to exhaustion. I remember the day last year when it was finally dark enough to see stars again and 'early' enough I was awake for it (midnight). We've got a few more weeks left before that time...
Deletenorthern BC is worth a visit...but then summer in WV...not bad at all!
One of my favorite quotes: "I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night."
DeleteAh Rachel. One day....
ReplyDeleteQuestion of a science-sort - can a reinbou breed? Are caribou and reindeer closely enough related? Or like horse and donkey do they produce sterile offspring? Just a curious question that came to me as I read.
Raspberry? Rue? Radish? Rhododendron? ;-)
I'll think of you when I do my yoga poses, although I am more inclined to the warrior and triangle poses myself.
Kate -- I'm pretty sure that they can breed. And in fact, that may be where our calves from this year go...to a reindeer farm as breeding stock (the reindeer farms aren't concerned about the caribou blood).
DeleteWe ended up with Ranger for the new little kid. But I had thought of 'Rhodo' too and we ended up tossing it because it sounds too much like Frodo (no disrespect to LotR but he wasn't a frodo!).
I too, like warrior and triangle. But one of the biggest things Mel taught me about the physical practice is to do what your body needs. So often I hit the mat with a 'plan' in mind to do strong, powerful poses and then it becomes apparent almost immediately that my body needs passive poses that I stay in for long, long times. This day that I wrote about...I actually had no intention of doing sun salutes. And yet that's where my body led me.
do you have a favorite camera lens for your outdoor pics?
ReplyDeleteWanda -- I have a 180mm fixed focal length Tamron macro lens that stays on my camera almost exclusively. It's an amazing lens regarding quality of images (very few of my photos have any editing done to them except some crops here and there) and gives me a zoom almost equivalent to the crappy zoom lens I have (that one goes to 200mm so not much extra). And of course, it focuses in on the small stuff in typical macro fashion. It's also a good lens for people if you are far enough away from them. The downside to the lens is that it is great for close up stuff (macro) and great for moderately far away...but that in between stuff is challenging. For these calf pictures, I'm about 20 feet away from them...so shooting, for example, Julian, in a room in house, I don't have enough room to use the lens.
DeleteI vote for Rudolph, or Rudy. I'm happy you have these photos for the memories. These babies are pretty special. Glad you can find some calm in the chaos. You are growing every day, I can tell.
ReplyDeleteOkay -- despite the fact that they have reindeer blood, we all agreed early on to stay away from Santa's reindeer names! I do like Rudy though. We had him name before you posted so I'll tuck that in my pocket for next year.
DeleteAs you know, things change in a flash out here and I'm very glad to have these photos.
I'm working on it...
Hi Rachel. I loved reading about you finding your groove during your 'on the mat' time. Inspiring. And I learned something. I'm so clueless about what you do... I didn't know a female could have antlers. Now I know. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteIn my old space, I shied away from talking too much about work. There could be consequences of that and so I avoided it (not to me particularly, but to the animals etc). In this new space with limited readership, I feel more 'safe' in a way but still am fumbling around what to share and what not to share. We'll see how it evolves.
DeleteAs for the antlers...many people don't even know what an elk or caribou looks like so you are still ahead of the curve (when we would take our elk out into the field, I got asked so many times if they were llamas)! Caribou are the only Cervidae species (deer family) where the females have antlers. So it's not something really well known. In other families (like Bovidae with big-horned sheep), females can have horns (permanent as opposed to antlers which are shed annually)... Probably more information than you cared to know!
No, not more. Thanks for sharing the information. I find it interesting.
Deletecompletely adorable baby photos aside, this is a beautiful post... it is beautiful because it is about finding your place, your peace, when and where you needed to... knowing what you needed and making it happen.
ReplyDeleteit is beautiful and it makes me smile my friend, i'm glad you were able to find the peace you needed. you will most certainly find it again.
Thanks Melissa! Of course the bottom fell out the very next day after this post (I'm still trying to decide whether to write about that or not)... But what that means is it is all that more important to hold on to the the peaceful moments. And find them when I can. I don't necessarily have control over a lot of what happens out here, but I can control other things...like making the time to stand in the setting sun to breathe and focus. Even if it's just for a fleeting moment or two. A fleeting moment is enough to release just a bit of stress and tension and sometimes that makes all the difference in the world.
DeleteI owe you an email...soon my friend. soon.