a question posed every week by Mel...
I'm practicing trying to find my control again. I think that's the best way to put it.
This season, it's not going well. i can never imagine from year to year that things could actually get harder...this year they have. J and I and the graduate student...we are exhausted and have been pushed to our limits more times than I can even remember. Tensions are high, tempers are flaring...and we still have 6 weeks left
In me, this comes out as anger. That deep, from the core, yet irrational anger. I'm not actually letting this anger loose mind you...I can't in this situation and even if I could, it's really not directed at someone...it's directed at the situation.
As such, I've lost myself in it the past few weeks. I'm not present at all. The days pass by in a blur and while there are some good things happening (even if very very small and seemingly insignificant), I'm not able to even acknowledge them.
Yesterday, my graduate student told me she was concerned that I was going to explode. I wasn't doing anything...I was just sitting in my truck working through some data. And so it made me mad that she felt she could tell me that...and why did she have the right to say that to me when her anger was showing day to day as well? And yet...there was some truth to the statement and maybe I needed to hear it. I can't do anything about her anger but I can do something about mine. About an hour later, I went into the pen with the animals. It had poured rain the past 24 hours and finally the sun was coming out. I was early for collecting data but I needed that space away. I found the 'bou, sat on a stump and just started to breathe. Deep inhale in. Slow exhale out. A ratio breath taught by mel that is my 'go to' calming mechanism. i couldn't get control of my breath or my mind at first. So I switched over and just started to focus on my body and the sensations. The warm sun on my face. The grass blades touching up against my pants. The pressure on my 'sits bones' from the stump. And finally, slowly, I could get the breath. For a fleeting moment but that was all I needed.
Today, I am more present. It is fall here...high 20s with a hard frost this morning at 530 when I went into the pen. I felt the cold. I felt that moment when the sun gets high enough to reach you...and the warmth starts seeping in. When you work in the field in the fall, it's a magical moment. when I got done morning data collection, I sat on the back of my truck, closed my eyes to the sun and breathed again. trying to get back in control. to get perspective. In the process, i started to move and to feel my body. Some shallow twists to the back. Some shoulder rolling. Some loosening of the jaws. And finally felt what the past couple months have done to me. My body aches from being so tense...and somehow, all this time, I haven't even noticed it. i longed for my mat but that will have to wait until I can get a down day...for now, I just notice.
i'm not in control yet. i feel the tension. i feel the anger keep trying to push its way back through. but noticing it is a step in the right direction. and so i'm practicing it today. tomorrow. and the next...
what about you? what are you practicing?
Wednesday, September 3, 2014
8 comments:
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Rachel, if I could sit with you, I’d want to make us both a pot of hot tea and have a long talk. But, of course I can’t and I suspect you wouldn’t have any space for any long talks right now. Let me just say, then, as I did before, that your writing is so real that I can feel what you’re writing as I’m reading it. I can feel that moment that the sun starts to warm your skin and the moments when you start becoming aware of how your body feels. That awareness of your moments is probably all you can do right now to get through the stress. However, at the end of this project, I hope you have a long stretch of being in your home and doing simple home things to put you back on track of peaceful living-of knitting, sewing, walking and making beautiful things again. You are so talented in your artist skills, your knitting and your photography. And your writing.
ReplyDeleteIt took me a long time to reply to comments, but I just wanted to say that I so appreciate your words/your thoughts on my posts. At the time...and even now as I re-read them. thank you.
DeleteAnd what am I working on. . . living my moments. I do practices similar to yours. When I find myself caught in a frenzy of worry or some thoughts I don't want to think anymore, I will notice how good the warm soapy dishwater feels on my hands and remember a time when I was little and we didn't have running water. I marvel at how I can turn the spigot and hot water comes out. And I notice that I don't have a sore throat or toothache and that the moment is actually quite nice if I remove my running thoughts from it.
ReplyDeleteall good... Your words reminded me of something I realized this summer. i have a 'habit' of grabbing grass seed-heads. i strip the seeds off and run them in my hands for a few moments. i've been doing this in the field for years but never really aware of it. this summer I realized that it's a way I center myself...and that I do it when I'm stressed out. for some reason, the tactile nature of having the seeds in my hands calms me down in that moment. it's the little things....things that sometimes we aren't even aware of.
DeleteFirst--I loved your descriptions of the physical sensations of the sun warming you, feeling the support beneath your seat, the blades brushing your pants... so evocative and brought me to that place! I always appreciate when you describe those pieces of your field work. Thank you for sharing them.
ReplyDeleteYou don't need the mat to practice. It's what you're doing by noticing, by writing. Your yoga can be practiced *anywhere*. Going through data? While looking at it, inhale, long spine, chest open, exhale, allow your shoulders to ease down away from your ears, your neck stays long--and your mind--whatever thoughts come, let them, just don't allow them to OWN you.
You are enough, and anger, despair, they're as much a part of us as the "positive" emotions, too. You'll find your way with both dark and light.The equinox is coming--good timing to focus on such things. :)
Thinking of you and wishing you well.
thank you for these words lindsey. they were, at the time, and now, much appreciated and mirror a lot of what Mel and I worked on during our time together -- these gentle reminders are needed and welcome! At the start of every phone session, Mel would center me with words about feeling the sensations around my body. I do that when I first get on the mat...but sometimes forget the calming effect it can have elsewhere.
DeleteI don't need a mat for yoga in general...this was a lesson I've learned. But physically speaking, I realized that I need to move, and stretch, and release some of that tension periodically and yoga (on the mat) is the best way I know how. It's hard to find the time to do that in the field (and I'm surrounded by technicians and the self-consciousness takes over too), but this summer, more than any other, I realized how much I need that physical side as well.
oh rach... i feel your pain (well not your specific pain, but my own pain, and so it is more of an empathy). my anxiety has been crippling high these past few weeks which sparks my depression and puts me in a debilitating cycle. i know the signs and have been trying to ride it out, but man, it's not easy.
ReplyDeletemy therapist recommended a book to me, not about anxiety issues directly, but about my family of origin and how it relates to my current mindset. so i have been reading that an doing a lot of thinking about things in that vein.
i too feel not in control, but like maybe i'm taking teeny tiny baby steps to get there.
it is a neverending journey my friend... but we are on the right path.
sending love to you my friend.
I'm so sorry that you were/are struggling as well. It's such a long journey isn't it? But one I think we are both happy to be on regardless. more will come to you privately my friend...
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