Gulping in Lungfuls...

Things haven't changed much since the last post.  There are certain things that have solidified for this summer, and certain things that still, 2 weeks before I head north, haven't.  I know I'll be heading back up to northeast BC in early May and will be calving out our caribou.  Because the cycle of life goes on no matter what the politics do.  But beyond that, we are still waiting...

Past this summer, there are many options on the table, but that's all they are right now...options.  Some may be more desirable than others, some may be more likely than others, but it will still be months before I really know what path we'll be on for the next several years.

And so I continue to try to deal with uncertainty...which, if I'm being honest, is not always pretty.  I continue to stress and continue to suffer the consequences of that...getting really sick for a second time and in the process of coughing uncontrollably, knocked my injured rib ligament back out of whack, not to mention my back.  I've lost myself in a depression worse than any I've experienced in at least a few years..then cycled out of it for a week, and then cycled right back into it.  And so I talked with Mel about the potential for additional support...admitting I may need some was a big step.  I KNOW what I need to be doing...and yet it may take that external support to make it happen.  We all need support and we all need reminders from time to time.  There is nothing wrong with that.

But let's leave this post on a positive note shall we?  This past week, I had to head up to Pullman, WA for some meetings.  My preferred route to get there takes me through one of my favorite places on earth -- particularly in spring.  It's a road that runs between Enterprise, OR and Lewiston, ID called 'Rattlesnake Grade'.  Google map will not allow the road show up in 'get directions'...taking you on very long detours rather than this road.  When I first started to drive it back in the late 90's, most of the guard rails had eroded down the sides of the hill to be pointless.  Considering the road is incredibly curvy, often has rocks that fall on it, has a maximum speed (not posted, but just the ability of a vehicle) of 30mph, and the side of the road often leads to several hundred foot drops...most people don't particularly care for the road.  And yet, I love this road.  In the spring, there is nothing like it.   I don't have the words to describe the amount of wildflowers that call this place home, or how it's one of the first places to green up since it's such low elevation and so you always have to watch for the deer.  And then there is the smell...the 'Blues' smell like none other in my opinion...it's a sweet smell of ponderosa pine, dry earth, and wide open range...and in the spring, that intoxicating smell of new vegetation growth and flowers.

On the way up, I was running late and so I didn't stop.  But I had taken my camera just for the purpose of catching 'spring' on the grade.  I was, again, running late when I headed back down into the grade after my visit and so the light wasn't the greatest -- and even if it were, pictures just can't capture the expansiveness of beauty on those hills.  But I kept stopping.  Kept getting out of the truck to take photos.  And to breathe.  It was windy -- making photography even harder with the low light -- but that kind of warm, spring wind just prior to a rainstorm (which hit in a deluge as I wound my way out of the grade)...making that already sweet blues smell even sweeter.  And I found myself literally gulping in the air...almost frantically like I'd just come up from holding my breath too long under water.  And when I wasn't out taking photos, I was driving slowly, all windows down with my head stuck out one like a dog until the sun dropped and the clouds came in and it got too cold to drive that way.

There wasn't a magical transformation after that drive making all right in my world.  But it helped as nothing else has recently.  I was able to open up my journal yesterday and write with honesty.  I was able to start picking up around the house (my living space so often reflects my mental space -- and recently that has just been scattered and cluttered).  I texted my friend to make a gym date today.  Tomorrow it could all go to hell in a hand basket.  But for these few days, few hours, I'm riding the wave...

ps -- the trip to civilization resulted in the purchase of 2 sets of buttons to finish off 2 of those sweaters.  That doesn't mean I will take the time to sew said buttons on, but step one is done.

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Now playing:  Leader of the Band by Dan Folgerberg (I haven't listened to this album in years and for some reason, I've had it on repeat constantly the past couple of weeks).


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