The Struggle in Returning Home

Every year during a field season, right around the time the weather starts shifting into cooler temperatures, the desire to be home overwhelms me...almost suffocating me.  This year, that feeling happened in early September.  I don't know if it's the desire to return to the comforts of home...heat, showers, a kitchen, a bed...  Or if it's a desire to get back to something 'normal'.  To be able to get up and take a walk in the morning, drink a cup of tea, do a practice before settling in for a day.  To hold fiber in my hands both to be knitted and spun.  To cook something beyond the 2 or 3 dishes we rely on in the field.  They may not sound different but one is more emotional and one is more tactile.  I can't explain it better than that.

You would think, what with this yearning for 6-7 weeks, that when it was time to come home, it would be easy.  Or maybe you wouldn't.  For me, the adjustment to returning to civilization is way more difficult than the adjustment to leave it.  I go from being outdoors 24 hours a day breathing in fresh air to being inside 20-24 hours depending on the day...it's suffocating.  I go from being able to focus primarily on one project...and having excuses not to answer all the work email requests I get because I'm 'in the field'...to being pulled in 20 different directions again.  I go from living perfectly contented with just what will fit in my truck to being overwhelmed by all the 'stuff' in my house and all the choices I have.  We live fairly frugally but still there seems to be so much stuff.  And so many things I want to do.  And I always try to do it too fast...do too much.  And it's so easy to let that push me toward a severe crash. 

I've been home a little over a week and this is where I'm at...trying to avoid the crash.  Trying to pace myself.  Knowing that I can't 'do it all' immediately.  Knowing I need some rest but trying to find the very thin, very fragile line between rest and crash.  I've been picking those things most important to me and making sure they happen...like going to see the girls, getting back to a morning walk, putting fiber back in my hands...and trying to let the other things come at their own pace.  Yesterday morning, I finally got on the mat.  It wasn't pretty...I spent 20 minutes in just 3 poses trying to calm my mind (unsuccessfully), trying to unkink some of what the last 6 months did to me (part of the reason I avoided the mat until now because I knew it would be physically painful even in the most passive poses -- it was)...trying to accept that I'm starting over with my body in some respects (trying, oh trying with this)...finding some pain where I didn't expect it and trying to come to terms with that information (I twisted my ankle this summer and while the pain wasn't that bad at the time, I'm realizing that there may have been more damage than I thought)...

And I start slow with the fiber.  First, finishing up a project started in the field.  Last year I taught my graduate student to knit.  This year I gifted her a skein of yarn and a pattern at the beginning of the season.  When I saw it knit up, I realized I wanted the same project but in more 'me' colors.  Yarn was bought but I was working on other projects and it sat for awhile.  In early September, when the temperatures cooled and the foliage started to change color, I was parked beside a little pond with cattails...I snapped a few pictures and realized that the colors reminded me of something.  That evening I cast on that special yarn...as Melissa said once this summer...art mimicking life.  I'm not sure how I feel about this knit and whether it will stay with me or be gifted...more detail and info are on the Ravelry project page.  But I do know that finishing it up, blocking it, and taking photos made me feel happy.  And I think it may have been a little cathartic as well...turning some stress of the season into something beautiful and maybe symbolically wrapping up some parts of this season that I'm trying to let go.  And really -- that's the whole point right? 

I'll be back to your spaces soon I promise.  But continue to be patient with me as I try to get my footing back in civilization.
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Now playing: Danny's song by Kenny Loggins